9 Best Ways for How to Build Confidence in Kids

"I can't do it! It's too hard!"

"Everyone is mad at me—you, teachers, coaches, friends—everyone!"

“I don’t like myself because I’m ugly.”

"All the other kids in my class are smarter than me. I'm stupid."

Everyone gets frustrated and wants to give up sometimes, but frequently expressing statements like these can mean that a child's is struggling with their self-worth. As a parent, it can be difficult to watch your children being so hard on themselves, especially when you’re not sure how to support them. As a child therapist in Dallas, this is something I hear often from the families I work with in my private practice. Kids develop confidence and self-worth over time, and it can be helpful for caregivers to know how kids develop these traits to know how to help your child build healthy self-esteem. Just like adults, kids can have good days and bad days, so I'll also talk about signs for when negative self talk might be more than a bad day. And if your child is struggling with their sense of self—whether it's a temporary struggle or a consistent challenge—I'll provide some of my favorite tips for how to raise confident kids and watch your child come into their own.

Understanding the foundations of confidence in children

Before talking about what you can do to help your child's confidence, it's important to understand what impacts your child's self-esteem. While they are often used interchangeably, these two concepts are actually related but different, along with a third concept: self-worth.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), self-esteem is the degree to which the qualities and characteristics one believes about themselves are perceived to be positive. For example, if someone perceives themself as kind, honest, and creative and view these characteristics positively, then they are likely to have positive self-esteem versus if they perceive themself as passive, overly blunt, or "different."

Confidence is slightly different but related: confidence is essentially the belief in the effectiveness of one's own abilities, which is sometimes called "self-efficacy" in psychology. Essentially, self-esteem is about who a person is while confidence is about what a person can do. However, the more confident someone is in their abilities to do what they need to do, the more likely they are to have higher self-esteem.

Another related concept is self-worth. In psychology, self-worth is considered a broader, more stable perception of oneself. Instead of focusing on particular traits (as with self-esteem) or skills (as with self-confidence), self-worth describes the core beliefs one has about themself, such as "I am worthy even if I make mistakes." While self-esteem and confidence contribute to self-worth, it tends to be less influenced by circumstances.

However, since they are related, improving one will often improve the others as well. And all three are building blocks to having a happy, self-assured child! So what contributes to a confident child, regardless of what researchers call it?

Sense of Security

If you have heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, you might have heard of how people need certain things before they are able to think about who they are and what they can do. One of the first needs that people have is for security. For children, this means having a reliable caregiver that provides for their basic needs, such as food, water, and shelter. With these needs taken care of, kids can begin developing their sense of self without worrying about what might happen to them.

Sense of Belonging

The next level in the hierarchy before esteem needs is belonging. Maslow and other psychologists believe that once security is established, we focus on feeling connected to others. For kids, this begins with the immediate family and then extends to groups such as friends, schoolmates, sports teams, house of worship, and even a neighborhood or community. If children feel excluded or rejected by those important to them, the lack of belonging can negatively impact self-esteem.

Sense of Competency

Once children feel that they are safe and accepted by others, they can then start focusing on themselves as people. Children predominantly rely on what they can do as their initial base for self-esteem. More specifically, kids need to feel competent. Competence is the child's sense that they can complete tasks well enough to produce desired outcomes. If a child feels prepared to face what they will need to in life, then their self-esteem will be higher.

Sense of Control

Related to competence is the sense of control. It's not just what a child does, but how responsible they feel for doing it. Sometimes it can be difficult if a child is naturally good at something because they might tend to dismiss their own efforts. But if a child does not connect their successes to their own actions and perceives luck, chance, or outside influence as the reason for their abilities, they are more likely to have lower self-esteem. Children need to have a sense that their choices and actions are important.

Sense of Purpose

Children need to feel like they are working towards something, not just letting life happen around them. Often elementary-aged children define themselves in terms of their roles in the family or their classroom, such as being the smartest or the most athletic or the best artist. These roles give them a sense of purpose and something to guide them as they continue to build confidence.

Confidence and self-esteem aren't things that just happen one day. Everybody is consistently developing their sense of self throughout their lives. There may be times when your child seems super confident and periods where they seem to completely lack confidence. Recognizing the difference between periods of self-consciousness and signs of persistent low self-esteem can help parents better know how to respond and help their child build confidence.

Signs your child is struggling with self-confidence

Everyone is different, and how they show signs of low confidence can be different too! Some can also easily be perceived as something else entirely. The following signs may not mean anything on their own, but if your child frequently demonstrates more than one, it might mean that they are struggling.

Negative Self-Talk

This is often the first thing I hear parents are worried about when they talk to me about their child's confidence—they hear their child describe themselves as "stupid," "ugly," or "a loser." When their child makes mistakes, they say things like "I can never do anything right!" and "I'll never be able to do it."

Mood Swings

Children who are dealing with low confidence and self esteem can sometimes mask their lack of self-love and appear happy and proud, but as soon as there is a slight challenge, they fall apart. They might become sad and no amount of encouragement can lift their spirits. Some even become angry and lash out at parents or others when they are trying to help your child because they don't believe they deserve to feel better.

Perfectionism

Striving to always do one's best often doesn't seem like a sign of low confidence—after all, they have to be confident kids to always push themselves, right? But often striving for perfection is an attempt to cope with feelings of inferiority. High rates of perfectionism are linked to lower self-esteem. Not only that, but a review of over 280 studies of perfectionism found that perfectionism can be a factor in mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, and eating disorders.

Refusal to Participate

If a child's confidence is suffering, they might avoid participating in anything that they think they might not be good at. No matter how many times you reiterate that no one is good at something the first time, it takes practice, and it's alright to make mistakes, your child might refuse to do their assignments at school or go to events with peers. They may think “it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway” or “I don’t want to get hurt again” and shy away from opportunities that might make them feel better.

Difficulty Socializing With Other Children

Even if a child does participate in school or extracurricular activities, they might not get along well with peers. They might seem awkward or removed or even make friends temporarily but quickly lose them.

Blaming Others

Because children often base their self-worth on what they can do, those that struggle with feelings of doubt may shift the blame onto others to protect their sense of self. They may say things like “the teacher was stupid” or “the computer didn’t work right” if they don't do well on an assignment, or state that their soccer team lost because everyone else played poorly.

9 tips for raising confident kids

Regardless of whether your child is showing signs of low confidence or you want to be proactive in raising confident kids, here are 8 of my favorite strategies for building confidence in kids.

1. Unconditional Love

Kids who are struggling with their self-confidence are already likely to be pretty harsh with themselves. Some children project this out to others and believe that everyone else is disappointed in them as well. It's important for kids to know that their parents love them, even when they make mistakes, forget to do chores, or lose their homework. These things are understandably frustrating for parents, and you want to address them. Trying something like "It seems like it's really hard for you to keep track of your homework. Let's figure out if there's some way to help you remember together. It might take a few tries to find something that works, and that's okay. Just know that even if one or both of us gets frustrated, I still love you."

2. Model Confidence

Kids are constantly observing others to learn how the world works and what it means to be human. If they frequently see a parent who talks negatively about themself, even if they don't say anything negative to the child, young children will learn that's just hoe adults talk about themselves, and follow along. It's important to still show children that everyone has flaws, but providing a good example by minimizing negative self-statements and talking through how you overcome a mistake can give your child a role model of what it means to be confident.

3. Avoid Comparisons

This can be very hard for parents, especially with siblings. It's natural to wonder if it's normal for one kid to have developed completely different from their sibling, but these concerns are best discussed with a pediatrician or a child expert, not the child. "Why can't you be more like your sister?" "He's our athletic one, his brother is the smart one." Phrases like these can make create resentment between siblings and actually cause children to act out more because they don't want to be defined by what the rest of the family is like.

Children, particularly younger siblings, may compare themselves to siblings or others. In these cases, it's important to reflect what the child's purpose is in comparing and gently redirect. For example, you may respond to "Older sister gets to have a cell phone. I want one!" with "You don't think that's fair. Older sister gets a phone now because she has afterschool activities and needs to call to tell us when to pick her up. When you are her age, you will get a phone."

4. Reaffirm Strengths

Children may not notice or even discount their natural talents. Pointing out what your child is already doing well can boost confidence and encourage more positive self talk going forward. For example, a lot of children focus on how they are not immediately the best at something new they've just tried. In this situation, it's important to recognize that they're not going to be immediately good at everything and the disappointment that comes with it. And it's also an opportunity to build confidence by saying something like "You really wish you were better at playing baseball already, and you're already really good at running! With more practice, you'll get better at batting, too."

5. Set Small Goals

Big projects or goals can be overwhelming for children, especially if they are lacking confidence. Setting smaller goals, such as focusing on reading one chapter at a time or doing one problem at a time, and praising kids for their effort and ability to finish small jobs increases their confidence.

6. Encouragement

I'll talk more about encouragement and praise in my next blog post, but as a broad overview: praise is focused on the product and encouragement is focused on the effort. Children need both. Oftentimes kids get a lot of praise and not a lot of encouragement. This can lead to child becoming focused on the outcome (for example, getting an A) and not the importance of the effort in how they got there. Pointing out, "you're working really hard," "you're determined to figure it out," or "you're really focused" can help kids actually appreciate their hard work rather than just good grades.

7. Choices

Giving age appropriate choices to kids can work wonders in building confidence! With young children, this can look like "would you like to wear your blue shoes or your red shoes?" or "would you like grapes or blueberries?" As children get older, they can make bigger choices, but by giving them practice with choices from a young age, they are more confident making bigger choices in the future.

8. Physical Activity

The body and the mind are connected. It doesn't have to be rigorous, but exercise lets kids learn what they can do with their bodies and feel like they can move through the world with ease! Confident kids readily practice different things such as running, jumping, skipping, balancing, and so on.

9. Therapy

Sometimes you or your child might need some additional help to build confidence, and that's where therapy can be helpful. One major focus on my therapeutic approach is empowering kids and helping them become more confident individuals now and as they grow.

Working with a child therapist can empower your child to be themself 

Life can be hard at any age. It is difficult to imagine your child struggling, but there are going to be challenges in their life, and learning how to deal with them early sets your child up for success. With a holistic approach to counseling, I can help your child—and your family—feel better. Whether they are dealing with emotional meltdowns, high risk behaviors, academic concerns, low self esteem, or trauma, everyone is more than their struggles. By focusing on building on existing strengths as well as learning new strategies to manage difficult emotions, I help children feel more confident, secure, and capable.